• ✘ No generic merch

  • ✘ No toxic positivity

  • ✘ No mass-produced cliché

  • ✘ No need to fake a smile
Product mockup

This isn’t merch. It’s emotional sarcasm in wearable form.

Tired of minimal bullshit and fake empowerment tees?
At TheCynicalCatCoven, we turn emotional chaos, feminist sarcasm, and dark aesthetics into visual therapy — printed on oversized cotton or framed for your altar of rage.

Enter the Coven
1 3

This isn’t motivational. It’s aesthetic survival.

  • The Boring Mainstream

    ✘ “Self love club” printed in beige
    ✘ Fake smiles and filtered affirmations
    ✘ Motivational quotes with zero depth
    ✘ Dressing like your emotions don’t exist

  • The Cynical Cat Coven Way

    ✓ Feminist sarcasm as emotional armor
    ✓ Oversized tees that actually say what you feel
    ✓ Rage, darkness and irony — curated, not censored
    ✓ No need to be okay to look iconic

The Coven in 3 Steps

  • 1 - Enter the Coven

    Instagram whispered. Or maybe it was your dark side.
    You came for sarcasm. You stayed because it feels too real.

  • 2 - Feel the Attack

    That phrase hurt. That’s why you need it on your chest.
    Tees, posters or mugs that scream exactly what you hide.

  • 3 - Wear the Chaos

    Now your mug is more honest than your relationships.
    Use it. Show it. Other chaotic souls will get it instantly.

More than products. It’s an emotional arsenal.

Enter The Coven

This Isn’t Merch. It’s Emotional Armor.

Expertly curated, affordably priced to fit your every need.

If your t-shirt doesn’t make people uncomfortable or seen...

then what are you even wearing?

Join the Coven. Shop the emotional chaos.

Explore the Collections

Born from chaos. Designed by La Macarena.

I’m La Macarena — the mind (and sarcasm) behind The Cynical Cat Coven.

For years I couldn’t find art or fashion that spoke the way I actually think.
Everything felt too positive, too polished, too fake.

So I did what any emotionally unstable creative would do:
I invented my own world.

The Cynical Cats were born — illustrated versions of everything I feel, think, and repress.
They’re me. They’re you. They’re everyone who laughs while breaking inside.

This Coven isn’t merch.
It’s a visual manifesto for the unfiltered.
Oversized tees, framed posters, mugs, and notebooks that confess what you can’t say out loud.

+50 designs launched.
People in 10+ countries already found their favorite brutal phrase.
And the community keeps growing with messages like:
“Didn’t know I needed this until I saw it.”
“This represents me more than my therapist.”

This isn’t for everyone.
But if you’re still reading, it’s probably for you.

Join the Coven. Or stay beige.

FAQs

How long do orders take to arrive?

We work with responsible production (not mass stock), so your emotional damage will ship within 2–5 business days and arrive in:

🇺🇸 U.S.: 5–9 business days

🇬🇧🇪🇺 UK & Europe: 6–11 business days

🌐 Rest of world: 7–20 business days

⚠️ Seasonal Reality Check:
During Black Friday and Christmas, chaos rules the postal gods.
Processing and delivery may take longer — so if you want your sarcasm wrapped under the tree, order early.

It’s not Amazon Prime. It’s art. Worth the wait.
But don’t tempt Mercury retrograde in December.

Why are your prices higher than basic stuff online?

Because you're not buying stuff.

You're buying illustrated emotional truth in the form of clothing, decor, and tools for spiritual survival.

These aren't “designs.” They're sarcastic confessions in wearable and usable formats — built to last, curated to hurt (beautifully), and impossible to ignore.

No mass stock. No soulless merch. No Canva quotes.

Call it retail therapy, but with actual personality.

Is the quality actually good or just aesthetic?

Brutally good. Whether you’re wearing it, drinking from it, hanging it, or writing your rage into it — everything is designed to look amazing and survive your most chaotic days.

  • T-shirts: Premium cotton, thick AF, soft as your first heartbreak.
  • Posters: Museum-grade paper, framed like your last nerve.
  • Mugs: Glossy, solid, dishwasher-friendly — unlike your ex.
  • Notebooks: Thick pages, zero ghosting, ready for emotional violence.

If it wouldn’t survive our own breakdown, we don’t release it.

Can I return or exchange my order?

Each piece is made-to-order, created just for you — we don’t do “Oops, I changed my vibe.”

But if your order arrives damaged, misprinted, or clearly hexed in transit, we’ll replace it immediately.

Just send us photos + your order ID to: [insert email].

No drama. No excuses. Just Coven-level care.

Isn’t this just another brand with phrases?

No.

We don’t do slogans. We do emotional exorcism.

Oversized tees, mugs, posters, and notebooks that say what you can’t in public.

You don’t wear Cynical Cat Coven to look cute.

You wear it to look seen.

Do you really offer free shipping?

Yes — but only where chaos travels best:

🇺🇸 United States
🇬🇧 United Kingdom
🇪🇺 Europe

👉 Everywhere else pays shipping, calculated at checkout.

No hidden fees. No fake “free.” Just honesty.

Why not free shipping everywhere?

Because we don’t do mass production.

Print-on-demand means your piece is summoned just for you.

Covering global shipping for every corner of the world = impossible without turning beige.

If you’re outside U.S./U.K./Europe, you still get original chaos, but you help carry it to your door.